We get asked a lot if we have any tips or tricks on how to help someone improve their approach to dating using the Enneagram. While many things are universal, each type has some traps they tend to fall into when they’re on a date. Here are a few common type 4 traps.

1. Idealizing the other person

When Fours like someone early on, they tend to go all-in, fantasizing about how the other person may be perfect for them, the savior they’ve been waiting for.

Tip: Ground yourself. It’s okay to be excited and anticipating, but take things one step at a time. If you’re consistently going into positive fantasies, bring a friend or loved one in, so they can help you set realistic expectations.

2. Engaging in push-pull dynamics

Highly emotional yet withdrawn, Fours feel things intensely but are not always direct about how they feel. They can create push-pull dynamics that either intrigue—or exhaust—their date.

Tip: Communicate directly. Instead of insisting your person wouldn’t understand you, or expecting them to pick up on your clues, communicate explicitly how you feel, so you can reconnect more deeply and intimately.

3. Dominating the emotional landscape

Fours want to feel seen, heard, and appreciated for their unique feelings and perspectives. But this can lead to the Four holding the spotlight without paying significant attention to the other person.

Tip: Lean into your empathy. Fours are exception at empathizing and connecting emotionally with others. When you find yourself the center of the conversation for a long time, see if there’s anything you want to know about your date; they will appreciate it.

In conclusion

With their romantic orientation and strong emotional intuition, Fours often already possess many of the qualities people look for in a partner. Using these three tips, Fours can bring their best selves to the table, making them even more irresistible to the right person.